What Are Attachment Styles? Let’s Talk About How You Relate in Relationships
Do you ever notice yourself reacting in the same ways over and over again in relationships, even when you want to show up differently? Maybe you shut down when things get too emotional. Or you find yourself clinging tightly, afraid the other person will leave. Maybe you keep people at arm’s length without fully understanding why.
Those patterns aren’t random. They likely come from your attachment style.
Your attachment style is basically your brain’s go-to way of managing emotions and connections, both with others and within yourself. It’s shaped by early experiences and relationships, and it quietly influences how you show up, how you trust, how you ask for help, and how you handle closeness or distance in relationships.
The good news? Once you understand your attachment style, you can start to shift the patterns that no longer work for you.
First Things First: What Is an Attachment Style?
Attachment styles are formed in childhood, based on your early experiences with caregivers. They help us figure out the answer to the big relationship questions like, Can I rely on other people? Will they be there for me when I need them? Is it safe to express myself to others? Am I worthy of love and care?
Depending on how consistent, attuned, or available your caregivers were, your brain developed certain strategies for connection. These strategies become your “attachment style.”
How Are Attachment Styles Formed?
Attachment styles aren’t something you’re born with. They’re shaped by our earliest relationships, especially with our primary caregivers (usually parents, but not always). From infancy, we’re biologically wired to seek connection and comfort. It’s literally a survival instinct.
When a caregiver responds to a baby’s needs with consistency, warmth, and emotional presence, the child learns: The world is safe. I can rely on others. I’m worthy of care. That’s the foundation for a secure attachment.
But if a caregiver is emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, overly critical, or even frightening, the child adapts in whatever way they can to protect themselves. That’s how the other attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, start to form.
It’s not always about major trauma either. Sometimes it’s subtle, like parents who were loving but emotionally overwhelmed, or didn’t know how to talk about feelings. These little moments of emotional disconnect add up, especially if they’re repeated over time.
What’s important to remember is that these styles are learned strategies. Your brain figured out how to keep you safe emotionally, even if it meant shutting down, clinging tight, or staying hyper-aware of other people’s moods. Even if it feels exhausting or frustrating now, it’s important to remember that these patterns started from a place of self-care.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (also called fearful-avoidant). Let’s get into each one by looking at some of the common characteristics that go along with them.
1. Secure Attachment
This is the goal for most of us. People with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with closeness, trust others easily, and can express their needs and emotions without fear.
They’re not perfect, but they feel safe in relationships. They know how to set boundaries and talk about the hard stuff without panicking that they’ll be rejected. Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistent and make you feel loved and supported most of the time.
Signs of secure attachment:
You can feel comfortable being alone and in relationships.
You ask for help or support without guilt or fear.
You bounce back from conflict without spiraling.
You trust people (but not blindly).
2. Anxious Attachment
If you often feel clingy, worried about being abandoned, or like you're “too much” in relationships, this attachment style might resonate.
Anxious attachment develops when caregiving is inconsistent. Sometimes your needs were met with love, but other times you may have been met with criticism or ignored. Because of this, you learned to stay hyper-aware and emotionally tuned in, so you could try to predict what kind of response you might get.
Signs of anxious attachment:
You crave closeness and constant reassurance.
You fear being abandoned or rejected.
You may overthink subtle cues, and personalize them, assuming other people are mad or rejecting you
You often feel like you’re the one who cares more.
3. Avoidant Attachment
On the flip side, avoidant folks often value independence so highly that closeness feels threatening. Emotional vulnerability? No thanks. These patterns usually stem from caregivers who were emotionally distant or encouraged self-sufficiency too early. As a result, avoidance develops to limit the emotional hurt from this rejection.
Signs of avoidant attachment:
You feel uncomfortable when things get too intimate.
You pull away or shut down during conflict.
You downplay your own needs and emotions.
You may think, “I don’t need anyone,” while also simultaneously craving connection.
4. Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant) (Anxious-Avoidant)
This style is like a mix of anxious and avoidant. You want connection, but you’re also deeply afraid of the hurt that can accompany it. Relationships may feel unsafe or confusing. This often develops in response to trauma, abuse, or inconsistent emotional parenting in early relationships. Often as a child, the person who provided you comfort could also be a source of fear or rejection.
Signs of disorganized attachment:
You may experience intense highs and lows in relationships.
You crave intimacy, but push it away or freeze up when it’s offered.
You might have a hard time trusting, even when people are consistent.
There’s often a sense of chaos or unpredictability in your emotional world.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Short answer: yes, thank goodness.
While attachment styles often begin in childhood, they aren’t set in stone. Through therapy, self-reflection, and safe, healthy relationships, it’s absolutely possible to move toward secure attachment. This process is called earned secure attachment and it’s something I see happen with clients all the time.
This work often starts with awareness, like what you’re doing right now by reading this. Then it moves into learning how to regulate emotions, set boundaries, communicate needs, and trust others and yourself.
Why Does This Matter?
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself or blaming your parents. It’s about giving you insight into your emotional wiring. Why you love the way you love, why certain patterns keep showing up, and how you can shift those patterns if they’re no longer serving you.
It’s also incredibly helpful in therapy. When we understand the why behind your patterns, we can get curious about them instead of just frustrated by them.
What If I Recognized Myself in More Than One?
That’s totally normal. Attachment is not black and white. You might feel anxious in romantic relationships but avoidant with your family. Or you might shift styles depending on things like stress levels and who you’re with. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong, it just means you’re human and you’ve learned a variety of ways to cope with your internal world.
Therapy Can Help
If you’re curious about your attachment style and how it plays out in your life, therapy is a great place to start untangling it all. I work with clients all the time who are navigating the messy, complicated, and brave work of learning how to feel safe in connection. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own, and therapy offers a space where you can practice a secure connection with a safe person.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Broken
Attachment styles aren’t about being "good" or "bad" at relationships. They’re survival strategies that you developed when your world wasn’t supportive. Your brain is just doing its best to keep you safe. Once you start to understand your attachment style and how it impacts your behaviors, you can choose new patterns that are rooted in security, self-worth, and connection.
And that’s where the magic of deep, meaningful relationships happen.
Want to Dive Deeper?
If this topic lit something up for you, here are a few next steps to help you dive deeper into attachment styles:
Book an appointment with me here if you would like to explore your attachment style in therapy.
Check out books like Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno