Disorganized Attachment: Understanding the Push-Pull Pattern and How to Heal
When it comes to relationships, we all crave connection, but the way we go about getting it can vary a lot. Some people feel comfortable depending on others. Some feel safer keeping a little distance. And some people feel both at the same time. That’s what disorganized attachment can feel like: “Come close… no wait, back off… actually, I really need you, but I’m scared you’ll hurt me.” It’s confusing, exhausting, and can leave you feeling like you’re at war with yourself.
If you’ve ever felt like you desperately want love but also feel terrified of getting too close, you’re definitely not alone. Disorganized attachment is not a personality flaw and it doesn’t mean you’re an uncaring person. It’s a survival strategy your nervous system learned early on, and while it can create some real challenges, it’s also something you can understand, work with, and heal over time.
Let’s go deep into what disorganized attachment really is, where it comes from, how it feels in the body, how it shows up in relationships, and, most importantly, how you can begin to shift these patterns in a compassionate, non-judgmental way.
What is disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment is sometimes called fearful-avoidant attachment or anxious-avoidant attachment, and those names say a lot. It’s a mix of both wanting closeness and feeling afraid of it at the same time. People with disorganized attachment often have a deep desire to connect, but the very thing they long for, emotional intimacy, also feels unsafe or overwhelming. Imagine trying to press the gas and the brake on a car at the same time. That’s what this attachment style feels like internally.
Unlike anxious attachment, where the fear is mostly about being left, or avoidant attachment, where the fear is mostly about being engulfed, disorganized attachment is both at once. There’s often a push-pull dynamic inside: “I need you. Wait, don’t get too close… I can’t do this without you. Actually, I have to do this on my own.” It’s exhausting because there’s no clear roadmap for how to feel safe in relationships.
This attachment style usually forms in childhood when a caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear. For example, a child might turn to a parent for soothing but also experience that parent as unpredictable, frightening, or emotionally unavailable. Over time, the nervous system learns that closeness can’t be trusted to feel consistently safe. It creates a confusing internal template: “I need love to survive, but love might hurt me.”
As adults, people with disorganized attachment often struggle to feel grounded in relationships. They may get close quickly, then suddenly pull away, or feel deep longing for connection while keeping their guard up. They might crave reassurance but also fear depending on anyone. It’s not that they don’t want love, they want it intensely, it just feels like love is a no-win situation where hurt is inevitable.
What causes disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment usually starts in childhood when a caregiver is frightening, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable. This could happen in obvious situations, like abuse, neglect, or exposure to violence, but it can also develop in more subtle ways.
Maybe your parent had untreated mental health struggles or substance use issues. Maybe they were loving sometimes but overwhelmed, unpredictable, or emotionally checked out. Even parents who deeply love their children can pass on disorganized attachment if they’re struggling with their own unhealed trauma.
Attachment styles are passed down through generations, often unintentionally. If your caregivers didn’t have the tools to regulate their own nervous systems, they couldn’t teach you how to regulate yours. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about assigning blame or creating an excuse for your behaviors, it’s about identifying the patterns so you can choose something different now.
How the nervous system plays a role
Attachment isn’t just about your thoughts or feelings; it’s wired into your body. Your nervous system constantly scans for safety or danger, even when you’re not consciously aware of it.
If you have disorganized attachment, your nervous system may have learned to stay on high alert. You might swing between fight-or-flight (heart racing, anxious energy) and shutdown or freeze (numbness, disconnection). In relationships, this might look like panicking when someone pulls away, then shutting down or pushing them away yourself when they come back and get too close.
The nervous system of someone with disorganized attachment never fully learned how to tell the difference between past danger and present safety. That’s why a loving partner’s delayed text can feel just as threatening to your body as a childhood moment when you were left alone and scared.
Think of it like a smoke alarm that’s too sensitive. It goes off when you burn toast, not just when there’s a real fire. Your body reacts as if closeness is dangerous, even if the person in front of you is safe and loving.
The good news? The nervous system is incredibly adaptable. Through therapy, self-regulation tools, and healthy relationships, you can retrain it to feel safe more often, to shift out of survival mode, and to trust closeness without bracing for impact.
What it feels like to have disorganized attachment
Living with disorganized attachment can feel like being stuck in a tug-of-war with yourself. On some days, you might feel intensely needy, desperate to feel secure, and to hear that your partner loves you and isn’t going anywhere. On other days, or sometimes within the same hour, you might feel like running for the hills, shutting everyone out, and pretending you don’t need anyone at all. That inner conflict is exhausting.
It can also feel lonely, like you’re “too much” for people or “not enough” at the same time. You might feel shame for needing reassurance, then shame again for pulling back when you get it. You might long for intimacy but feel unsafe when you have it, which leaves you thinking, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just relax and enjoy this?” The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. Your nervous system learned to protect you in inconsistent or unsafe environments, and it’s still doing its job, even if that job no longer fits your life.
You might recognize yourself in some of these feelings:
“I want love, but I’m scared I’ll get hurt.” You crave closeness but panic when it actually happens.
“I can’t tell if I can trust people.” Even when someone is kind, part of you is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I feel needy and too much, then I feel cold and distant.” Your emotions swing between wanting to cling and wanting to bolt.
“I’m always bracing for impact.” You expect rejection, criticism, or abandonment, even in stable relationships.
For example, imagine you’re dating someone new. When they text you back quickly, you feel excited and secure. But when they don’t reply for a few hours, panic sets in: “Do they not like me? Are they leaving?” So you reach out for reassurance. Then, when they start calling you a few times a week, you feel overwhelmed and might pull back: “Why are they smothering me? I need space.” This isn’t you being indecisive, it’s your attachment system sending mixed signals.
How disorganized attachment impacts relationships
Disorganized attachment can make relationships intense and confusing, not just for you, but for your partner too.
You might find yourself deeply attracted to emotionally unavailable people because it feels familiar, or because part of you is unconsciously trying to “win over” the kind of love that was unpredictable in childhood. You may test partners to see if they’ll leave, or feel suspicious even when they’re being supportive.
For example, someone with disorganized attachment might start dating a genuinely kind partner. At first, it feels amazing. Safe, warm, everything you’ve always wanted. But soon, the closeness feels overwhelming. You may start picking fights, withdrawing emotionally, or even sabotaging the relationship without meaning to.
This attachment pattern can also show up outside of romance. In friendships, you may worry that people will leave if you’re not constantly available, while also feeling smothered if someone tries to get too close. At work, you might crave mentorship but feel uncomfortable when someone in authority offers guidance. Even parenting can stir this pattern. You want to show up for your kids wholeheartedly, but being needed so much can feel overwhelming or triggering.
The common thread is ambivalence. You’re not doing this on purpose. Your body is simply responding to closeness as both comforting and threatening at the same time.
How to heal from disorganized attachment
Here’s the good news: attachment isn’t permanent. It’s not a fixed label; it’s a pattern your brain and body learned to survive. And with awareness and practice, you can absolutely shift toward secure attachment.
1. Get curious, not critical.
The first step is noticing your patterns without shaming yourself. When you catch yourself panicking, withdrawing, or sending mixed signals, try saying: “Ah, this is my nervous system doing what it learned to do. Nothing is inherently wrong with me, I’m just trying to protect myself.”
2. Learn to regulate your nervous system.
Because disorganized attachment lives in the body, healing starts there too. Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, somatic therapy, EMDR, or even simply learning to name your sensations (“my chest feels tight,” “my stomach feels queasy”) can teach your system that it’s safe to calm down. Over time, your body stops sounding false alarms.
3. Work with a therapist who understands trauma and attachment.
Therapists trained in relational trauma, IFS (Internal Family Systems), or somatic approaches can help you untangle this push-pull pattern. Therapy becomes a safe space to practice secure attachment in real time.
4. Seek out secure relationships.
Friends, partners, or mentors who are calm and consistent can help “re-wire” your attachment. When you experience steady love over time your nervous system starts to believe that closeness can actually feel safe.
5. Practice self-compassion.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight. There will be moments you get triggered and fall back into old habits. That’s okay. Every time you notice it, reflect, and try again, you’re already building new pathways in your brain.
For example, let’s go back to that dating scenario. You’re waiting for a text. Instead of spiraling, you take a breath, notice your racing heart, and remind yourself: “I’m feeling anxious because my body remembers past experiences, not because something is wrong now.” Maybe you call a friend, go for a walk, or journal instead of sending a panicked message. That’s what healing looks like. Small, repeated moments of choosing safety.
Final thoughts
Disorganized attachment can feel messy, unpredictable, and frustrating, but it’s not a life sentence. It’s a pattern your body learned to survive a confusing environment. And anything learned can be unlearned or rewritten.
With understanding, support, and lots of compassion, you can teach your nervous system that love doesn’t have to be scary. Relationships can feel steady, safe, and even joyful. You don’t have to keep living in that push-pull dance forever.
You deserve love that feels calm, secure, and real, and you’re capable of creating it.
Additional Resources
If you want to learn more about attachment styles, here are some additional resources to help you dive deeper
Book an appointment with me here if you would like to explore your attachment style in therapy.